I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.