Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*