[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones