Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
pelicons
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget