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It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
accurate
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
United Steaks of America
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out