[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Choose your fighter
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.