me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”