Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
God has left this place
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.