i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird