Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Alexa: *deep breath*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.