Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP