*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
how high up are we talkin’?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
So glad we cleared that up
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest