Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
No Google it does not
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog