They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.