How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
You Might Also Like
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again