Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
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[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.