I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
You know…for fall…
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991