if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
You Might Also Like
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
🙅🏻
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“The Perfect Relationship”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest