Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄