If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.