The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Every. Damn. Time.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
emergency phone
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*