animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You Might Also Like
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it