The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
become ungovernable
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Hamburger Hinderer.