my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.