“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”