Good morning
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I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.