I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
See..?
.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime