Raisins are grape jerky.
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
🐕🍷
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.