A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Happy Caturday!
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose