On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for