HERE’S MARKY
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon