My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
You deplete me
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
“and how does that make you feel?”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.