My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.