[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors