Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma