They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
The news is so predictable nowadays
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive