I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”