Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
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Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.