I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend