Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Yup.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.