I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
when you don’t want to be too vague
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes