He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Worth the read.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.