weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
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[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
he looks great for his age
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.