Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Monday
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow