I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”