I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
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INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
A drum solo but on your face.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.