My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).