When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.