Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.