imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
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People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
dogs can find happiness so easily
True?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight